Therapy Thursdays – First one ever, so welcome to my unofficial therapy session (because I don’t actually see my therapist weekly even tough in all honestly, it might be in everyone’s best interest if I did).
There’s always something going on daily. I swear enough chaos, drama, and emotional plot twists to fill a whole damn season - if this was show. I have to write things down between sessions just to keep track of it all. By the time I finally see my therapist again, it’s like, “Where do we even start?” Literally. I say that at almost all of my sessions.
So today, we start here.
Between navigating a VERY messy divorce, living in limbo (ADHD procrastination really said, “let’s just never finish anything ever”), battling it out with a teenage daughter who swears I ruin her life daily, and managing the mini meltdowns of my kindergartener....
I’m hanging on by a rope. Oops! Did I say rope? Shouldn’t let my brain travel that way. I meant thread. Definitely a thread. One that is very quickly unraveling.
Yes that's right, I forgot to mention, I am a parent.
Let’s not forget parenting while mentally ill, masking like a pro, so my kids don’t think their mom is a total trainwreck. I’m out here white-knuckling through Bi-Polar rage episodes while doing basic daily activities like driving, because obviously, I am the only decent driver on the road. "And yes my sweet girl I shouldn't say bad words and yes sweet girl, I know the other people driving can't hear me."
PARENTING IS HARD. It is exceptionally hard parenting while trying to regulate your own very extreme emtions, and oh yeah, my oldest, she is diagnosed ADHD and has her own struggles with emotional regulation and triggers.
PARENTING. IS. HARD. Saying it again and saying it loud for the people in the back. But parenting while trying to regulate your own very extreme emotions? That’s a whole other level. Add salt to the tequila, or insult to injury, whatever the saying is.
My oldest has ADHD (diagnosed), emotional regulation issues, and such a strong will. Yes - I know this is a trait that will also be so amazing for her when she's older. Don't get me wrong my daughter IS amazing.
And me? I’ve got my own Bi-Polar 2, ADHD, BPD, a dash of PTSD, and a whole lot of emotional landmines. So yeah....safe to say, we trigger each other. Like a lot. We’re basically trauma sparring partners. 😬
My girls are my world. As chaotic and unhinged as life gets, I do everything I can to protect them from it.
Compartmentalizing has become one of my strengths, but it did NOT come easy. And honestly, I’m doing a damn good job parenting, if I do say so myself, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.
Some days it hits hard. Especially when my oldest, fueled with that beautiful fire, is making not the best choices or saying the words "I hate you". Even when I know she doesn’t mean it, my brain twists it into truth and all I hear on repeat is "you are failing".
With everything I’ve been through, it’s no wonder the wires get crossed and the signals are mixed. But one thing is crystal clear... I love them with my whole heart and I show up for them, every single messy day.
That genetic piece of mental illness I mentioned before? Yeah, it runs real deep in my family. One of my baby sisters has “just” anxiety, ADHD, and depression.
Her words, not mine. “Just.”
I still wonder which one of her diagnoses convinced her to downplay all that.
My other baby sister has BPD. And I know it’s technically not a spectrum, but let me tell you, if it were, she’d definitely be on the extreme end of BPDing. (Almost said “sorry, sis,” but this blog isn’t about apologies. Don’t worry, I got her blessing to share.)
My poor BPD sister also deals with the chaos of parenting while mentally ill. And to raise the stakes even higher, my beautiful niece is non-verbal autistic. Those two? They melt down together sometimes. It’s heartbreaking, it’s raw, and somehow… it’s also just real life. OUR real life.
She does her best, though. And it’s not easy. It never will be, but she’s out there parenting her ass off, giving her kids (I do have 2 beautiful nieces) all the love and the best life she can.
Still, I can’t help but ask "Why the hell were we dealt this hand?
Yeah, yeah, we know 🙄 “life’s not fair,” “could be worse,” blah blah.
Just don’t say that to us, unless you’re trying to trigger a full-blown BPD/Bi-Polar rage episode. And trust me, that’s never the move.
First, we get our own mental illnesses. Then “God” (or whoever’s up there playing Sims on hard mode) says,
“You know what’ll really mess with them? Let’s give them other people’s mental health to manage, too. While they’re barely keeping their own in check.”
Cool. Love that for us. 🫠
Sure, it might make for good TV (hopfully at least a decent blog post) but in real life? It’s brutal. It's scary. It's our life.
BUT we’re doing it. We’re killing it - I think 😅.
At least no toaster baths, just Splish Splash-style breakdowns, tears, and a lot of screaming into pillows (or semi-trying to hold it in until we find a pillow).
Still, somehow, we keep pushing through.
That’s all for now, but stay tuned.
Story Sunday is about to kick off "Love Story of the Century: Part 1 - Meet the Players, Cheat the game". A multi-part drama series, packed with affairs, handcuffs (not the fun kind), smashed windows, restraining orders, rumors, and cars crashing into cars. Basically, it’s a Jerry Springer episode… except none of it is fake. And just when you think it can’t possibly get worse? Oh, it absolutely does.
Happy Thursday 💋