It’s Sunday morning, and honestly, I’ve always felt Sundays are the perfect time to gather your girls, spill the tea, recap the chaos of the weekend (unless your are too embarassed to talk about that - which is okay over here, sometimes we want to pretend to forget, and you will get a pass) and emotionally let loose
Before we dive in, consider this your trigger warning: things are about to get heavy. Dark. But necessary, this story gives context to many of the unhinged, emotionally questionable posts still to come.
Let me also be clear - I’m not sitting here crying into my keyboard. Quite the opposite. One of my strongest coping mechanisms is dissociation, which probably isn’t great, but out of the crazy amount of unhealthy options, it’s one of the more... better ones. And let’s be real, nothing can make humor like trauma. The funniest people I know are emotionally damaged.
Fair warning, my stories are going to bounce place to place. My brain doesn’t do timelines... between trauma brain, time blindness, and ADHD chaos, you’re getting the director’s cut: High Drama Low Serotonin - unedited version.
Quick pause, before I forget! Diagnosis roll call. I’ve been officially diagnosed with:
PTSD
ADHD
Bipolar II
BPD
Yes, I’ve collected all the D’s. No tears here 😂 With jokes like that, how could there be? Hilarious, I know.
And now the Pokémon theme is playing: “Gotta catch 'em all.” That’s what it feels like sometimes, collecting diagnoses like those rare cards, except instead of trading them, you get prescribed mood stabilizers. Some of those drugs are no joke. Like lithium, that is one of the most terrifying medications I've ever been on. Now I'm getting sidetracked though, we can talk about that stuff another day.
I’m not trying to write a novel with every post (even though I did try to write a memoir once... classic trauma coping-meets-ADHD hyperfixation). Like most of my passion projects, it fell apart halfway through. Who am I kidding like maybe 1/8th the way through.
But writing has always been my go-to outlet, and recently, I realized I needed somewhere to dump and sort the chaos in my head. Cue the impulsive late night idea - START A BLOG! I also don't really have hobbies and decided I need to find one so this seems like a good place to start.
Some of my trauma goes way back. I’ve been living with PTSD for 19ish years. But what really broke my brain happened two years and one month ago.
If you don’t know how mental illness works: sometimes it’s genetic, sometimes it’s random, and sometimes trauma just hits the switch and rewires the whole brain chemistry. I’ve always struggled, but after that event, bipolar II and BPD joined the mental illness express and never got off.
Most of my friends and family already know what happened, so this isn’t exactly breaking news. But for some reason, I still feel weird saying it out loud.
Point blank: I was esentially kidnapped. I was raped.
There. Said it. I almost went with “held against my will” and “assaulted” to soften the blow, but why am I trying to make you comfortable about my trauma?
It’s wild how the word rape feels like the thing that’s too much. Like I’m being inappropriate for describing something that actually happened to me. But hey, I’ve always been a people pleaser, so I guess even my PTSD comes with customer service.
Anyways, that happened, and it put me into a whole new mental illness era. Not only did it make me crazier than I already was (yes, I say crazy. I’m mentally ill, I’m allowed and its going to be said a million more times), but it also finally got me properly diagnosed with ADHD. That little bitch has always been there but you know, I am a women, so were usually misdiagnosed.
The past two years have been all about healing, at least thats the goal - therapy, meds, messy progress. I’m a hot mess, but I put in work for my healing like it’s a full-time job.
The rape - that doesn’t define me. It’s just one dark, dramatic chapter in my cinematic little life. If it hadn’t happened, I probably wouldn’t be writing this blog. And trust me, there’s plenty more chaotic, mind blowing, and hilariously unhinged tea to come.
I promise next Story Sunday will kick off the love story of the century. But I figured this was probably best to get out of the way first.
Til next time 💋
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