Hello from the dark abyss I’m slowly crawling out of, otherwise known as my life.
The past few months have been… a lot. And here’s the thing, I don’t do well with change. Everyone who knows me knows this. Unfortunately, life gives zero fucks.
I ended my two-year relationship, moved into my own place with my girls (look at me, pretending to be a real adult), and got so dark I even missed therapy. You know, the one appointment that might’ve saved me from myself. I need to rebook, stat. And because I’m me, I feel deep, soul-crushing guilt for ghosting a paid service. My brain loves to spiral over that one.
I’ve spent countless hours crying, throwing pity parties (not the fun kind), coping in all the wrong ways, and doing all the wrong things. Now I’m truly trying to heal. Heal my heart, my mind, and my liver.
Self-esteem has always been a problem for me, especially with my disaster brain, but I remember something a therapist told me many years ago:
Instead of looking at your body and seeing flaws, thank it.
Thank your legs for walking. Your eyes for seeing.
So, special shout-out to my liver, the true MVP, for staying strong during my personal apocalypse. Couldn’t have done it without you.
(Well… I could have done better without abusing you, but details.)
The good news? I’m back to my “normal” self…getting dopamine the healthier way. I’ve actually been practicing good coping skills, and honestly? It’s wild how doing the right things actually… works. I feel good today. Well, as good as someone with abandonment issues, crippling anxiety, nightmares, and chronic self-doubt can feel. But I’m feeling it all, dealing with it all, and the best part, I haven’t had a hangover in weeks. Progress, not perfection, baby.
I guess not completely true. I never understood what an emotional hangover was until recently, and I am still undecided if it is worse than a physical one, but probably better for me in the long run.
I also haven’t sent my ex any passive-aggressive texts lately. That’s growth. It takes real restraint not to unleash my inner petty, especially knowing I gave that relationship everything I had. I was the best partner I could be and got screwed over for it. Perhaps my karma, but we will never really know.
A small part of me wishes I’d hurt him the way he hurt me. I was lied to, manipulated, and made to feel crazy. Which, I will be fair, I am a little crazy, but don’t pretend you can handle my mental health just to weaponize it later. I’m more than capable of destroying myself without help.
I’ve said it a million times and I’ll say it again:
I am painfully self-aware.
I do, however, possess the magical ability to lie to myself to protect my heart. You know, tell myself things like “He’ll change,” or “He won’t lie again", but now, with full clarity, I can say: I was not the problem.
(Even he admitted that… which, instead of healing me, just pissed me off for ignoring my instincts.)
The last six months of our relationship were brutal, and I’ll take 1% of the blame. But like any good story, we should start at the beginning. So, coming soon: another love story saga. This time, I’m the main character, and the reflection might hurt more than anything I’ve written before, because I am still in the mess of everything. It’s fresh, it’s raw, and I’m ripping the band-aid clean off. You all get a front-row seat to my last two years and my latest spiral.
Ladies and gentlemen, it feels great to be back! I may be a little more unhinged than before, so this should be at the very least entertaining. It’s going to be emotional, messy, fun, and hopefully fast tracks my healing.
I lost a piece of myself within all of this. I doubt myself more, I question my judgment more, I question my worthiness of love, and I am on a journey to get all of that back.
Story Sunday returns this Sunday. And as always, no real names…So let’s call my ex Michael 😉
P.S. I’m on new meds. Not totally sure they’re working yet, some days feel darker than others. Kind of like daylight savings. Just when you think you’re moving forward, the world goes dimmer. But I’m trusting the process.
Not like I have much of a choice.
Til next time💋
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