Saturday Confessions (Because I Missed Sunday)
It’s Saturday, but I’m in the mood for a Story Sunday. And since I made promises I clearly didn’t keep (thanks to my ongoing issues with debit cards and billing), we’re doing a Saturday edition this week.
So… look at that. My ex now knows I write a blog. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before he finds out he’s a main character. That’s if he even believes I wrote anything. Who knows with him?
Anyway, what was going to be today’s topic: child support (its got me fired up today) and how it should be paid on time. Otherwise, I’ll just go through Maintenance Enforcement. It’s honestly way easier than trying to be nice about it.
On Being “That Girl”
In a previous post, I briefly touched on how I wasn’t the best wife, or even the best person, and I didn’t go into many details. If he were to write a blog, I imagine it’d be titled something like: “My Wife Is a Cheating, Drug-Addicted Slut.” That’s a direct quote from one of his messages to me... feel free to read it for yourselves.
Now, I wouldn’t use those exact words to describe my past, but… I did make a lot of mistakes. And sure, I could try to spin the story in my favor. Hey I am the one writing this🤷♀️ but truthfully, some of the words he used wouldn’t be completely inaccurate.
He’s still hurt. And hurt people hurt people. It’s no surprise he lashes out. But unfortunately, my kids end up caught in the crossfire.
My Past Doesn’t Define Me, But It Is Part of Me
I’ve struggled since I was assaulted at 13. That’s not an excuse, it’s just how my memory works. How I can figure out a time line...I wasn’t perfect. Not even close.
If there’s a God and there’s a Heaven, I’m not sure I’m getting in… even though I’ve changed, drastically. I’ve tried to put a halo on but let’s be real, it doesn’t always suit me. 😇
Life’s hard. I know it’s not just hard for me....it’s hard for everyone. But I’m proud to say I’ve taken major steps to become a better version of myself. This blog, this writing journey, it is part of my healing. I’ve done a lot of work behind the scenes too. But none of that erases what I’ve done.
I’ve cheated. I’ve lied. I’ve used drugs. I’ve been a “slut" and yeah, I’m putting that word in quotes, because I’m still undecided on how I feel about it. Man or woman, I think people should be allowed to express themselves sexually without judgment. But that’s just my opinion.
I’ve broken hearts. I’ve hurt people. I’ve done it all. I kind of feel like Usher writing out all my confessions.
But here’s the thing: I’m human. And all I can do now is try to be better. And I know today I am better than I was previously.
The Message That Sparked This
The messages my ex sent today didn’t hurt me... not really, but they did make me reflect (hey "Derek" if you are reading this you can be happy, for once, in your nonsensical responses you had me actually reflect on myself)
I don’t ever want to just paint other people in a bad light, even if they deserve it. I want to be fair. I want to be honest about who I am, not just who they are.
Healing and growth, that’s the goal baby. And every day, I feel like I’m getting closer. But I’ve come from a deep, dark, horrible place, so my “growth” might not look big or impressive to others. But to me? It’s MASSIVE.
No Sugarcoating Here
One thing I can promise: I’ll always tell the truth. I’m not here to sugarcoat anything to make myself look better... even if, sometimes, I do come out looking better in certain situations. I MEAN COME ON I DID NOT DO HALF THE MESSED UP STUFF THE PEOPLE IN MY STORIES DID 😂
Owning my shit? That’s part of healing too. I take full responsibility for the bad things I’ve done. And I don’t want anyone, especially those who don’t know me personally, thinking I’m some kind of perfect person. Or a victim. In my eyes I'm not.
If you do know me in real life, you already know that’s not the case.
So here it is. For those who are just meeting me through this blog: I’m not a victim of all the bad things that have happened in my life. I’ve had some shitty hands dealt, yeah but I’m not innocent either.
What I am is honest. I’m me. I’m authentic.
And that’s all from the cheating, drug-addicted “slut” today.
Until next time. 💋
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